Today I’m feeling like a mother of three.
I’m picturing in my head the day we dressed Grant in a t-shirt that I made for him that said “Big Brother” and we took Mitch’s parents out to lunch. We pulled Grant’s sweatshirt off of him to reveal our big news. It was fun and cute and exciting.
I’m remembering Mother’s Day 2005, just weeks after our announcement. Both of our families were at our house celebrating and pampering the moms and sitting around talking. The subject of our new baby came up and I just froze up and choked up and teared up. I had to tell everyone that I thought I might be having a miscarriage. I experienced fresh grief in the midst of my profound joy at BEING a mom and looking at my sweet little boy who meant the world to me.
In the doctor’s office the next day, the kind physician’s assistant told us her stories of miscarriage and assured us that these things just happened, and we don’t know why, but God had a plan. And I KNEW that, and I CLUNG to that as my only real lifeline.
God had a plan.
My precious Cole was his plan, and I will forever be grateful for God’s PERFECT plan. His PERFECT timing. I have marveled at that over and over and over as I have raised my boys.
And yet, today I feel like a mother of three. I think about our little baby and what he or she might have been like. I confess, I always think of our little baby as a boy. What would he have looked like? What would his personality have been like?
I look at my two precious boys and delight in their very different personalities. I can’t believe that they are so incredibly gorgeous. I’m surprised at how Grant looks exactly like Mitch and Cole looks so much like his uncle and neither one looks like me! Would our third child have looked like me?
I feel a loss today. For me, it feels like the loss of a dream. I didn’t know our baby. I didn’t have much of a chance to fall in love with him the way I feel such profound love for my boys. And yet, he’s missing. There is a hole in there, right between the boys.
Most of the time, I can approach our miscarriage with matter of fact directness. I ate lunch with Grant a couple of weeks ago and he mentioned to his friends at the table that he had another brother that died in my tummy. I didn’t feel a lurch in my heart. It was just a fact, and I explained the facts to the boys who were curious. I didn’t feel dread or pain or longing.
But today, I hurt.
I kind of hate hurting, because if we had not lost that baby, logistically we would not have Cole. And, I would never ever in a million years give up Cole. God’s plan is perfect.
And so, today my head is in the clouds and I hurt and I don’t want to hurt because I don’t want to diminish the joy of being my boys’ mom. I want to go hug my boys and feel JOY at being their mama. I want to look into Cole’s sweet little face and KNOW that he is my blessing, my gift, my Delight, and my “I love you” from God.
Today, instead of hurting, I’m going to choose to focus on God’s PERFECT plan. I’m going to choose to find my joy.