A Mother of Three

19 January 2012 1,870 views 6 Comments

Today I’m feeling like a mother of three.

I’m picturing in my head the day we dressed Grant in a t-shirt that I made for him that said “Big Brother” and we took Mitch’s parents out to lunch. We pulled Grant’s sweatshirt off of him to reveal our big news. It was fun and cute and exciting.

I’m remembering Mother’s Day 2005, just weeks after our announcement. Both of our families were at our house celebrating and pampering the moms and sitting around talking. The subject of our new baby came up and I just froze up and choked up and teared up. I had to tell everyone that I thought I might be having a miscarriage. I experienced fresh grief in the midst of my profound joy at BEING a mom and looking at my sweet little boy who meant the world to me.

In the doctor’s office the next day, the kind physician’s assistant told us her stories of miscarriage and assured us that these things just happened, and we don’t know why, but God had a plan. And I KNEW that, and I CLUNG to that as my only real lifeline.

God had a plan.

My precious Cole was his plan, and I will forever be grateful for God’s PERFECT plan. His PERFECT timing. I have marveled at that over and over and over as I have raised my boys.

And yet, today I feel like a mother of three. I think about our little baby and what he or she might have been like. I confess, I always think of our little baby as a boy. What would he have looked like? What would his personality have been like?

I look at my two precious boys and delight in their very different personalities. I can’t believe that they are so incredibly gorgeous. I’m surprised at how Grant looks exactly like Mitch and Cole looks so much like his uncle and neither one looks like me! Would our third child have looked like me?

I feel a loss today. For me, it feels like the loss of a dream. I didn’t know our baby. I didn’t have much of a chance to fall in love with him the way I feel such profound love for my boys. And yet, he’s missing. There is a hole in there, right between the boys.

Most of the time, I can approach our miscarriage with matter of fact directness. I ate lunch with Grant a couple of weeks ago and he mentioned to his friends at the table that he had another brother that died in my tummy. I didn’t feel a lurch in my heart. It was just a fact, and I explained the facts to the boys who were curious. I didn’t feel dread or pain or longing.

But today, I hurt.

I kind of hate hurting, because if we had not lost that baby, logistically we would not have Cole. And, I would never ever in a million years give up Cole. God’s plan is perfect.

And so, today my head is in the clouds and I hurt and I don’t want to hurt because I don’t want to diminish the joy of being my boys’ mom. I want to go hug my boys and feel JOY at being their mama. I want to look into Cole’s sweet little face and KNOW that he is my blessing, my gift, my Delight, and my “I love you” from God.

Today, instead of hurting, I’m going to choose to focus on God’s PERFECT plan. I’m going to choose to find my joy.

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6 Comments »

Julie Mullins said:

Kelleigh, thanks for sharing…This did make me cry. I have never lost a child so I don’t know those feelings but I can relate because I have kids. The reason I thank you for sharing is because I know this will help someone know they aren’t alone. Miscarriage isn’t talked about as much as it needs to be and people need to know they aren’t alone. What a blessing your Cole is and I love that the boys know about their other bother or maybe sister. Blessings to your family!

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# 19 January 2012 at 2:43 pm

Liz B said:

I’ve never experienced the loss of a child personally, but have friends and family that have. Bless you for being brave enough
to share your feelings publicly.

Don’t ever forget that its OK to grieve. And sometimes joy is bittersweet.

I’m praying for you today - and praying for all of those who read your post and can identify because they’ve lost a child.

God bless you and hold you close,
Liz

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# 19 January 2012 at 2:54 pm

Carla said:

Reading this today brings tears to my eyes. Name your lost baby and keep him in your heart. Don’t be surprised if someday you are a mother to one (or two) more. I had baby #3 and #4 when I was 40 and 42 years old, respectively. When I was in my twenties or thirties, I never would have believed it if someone would have told me that two more would one day be mine. Now, I can’t imagine life without them so you never know. Children truly are a gift and a blessing. Praying for you today.

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# 19 January 2012 at 3:28 pm

Krista S. said:

A quick, short read: Heaven is for Real by Todd Burpo.

Thank you for sharing your heart today.

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# 19 January 2012 at 5:12 pm

Krisi said:

Kelleigh - Thanks for sharing. It is reassuring to hear others who have gone through the same thing as you. We too have lost two little boys. One between my girls - and one after them. Just like you if our little Russell would have made it we wouldn’t have Rachel. God definitely has plans for us and our families. My girls are well aware of their brothers and talk about them frequently - I need to be more proud to say that I am a mother of 4, but it is such a hard thing to have to explain when you don’t want to so often I am a mother of 2 {with the other 2 deep in my heart}.

Big Hugs to you.

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# 20 January 2012 at 1:16 am

Susan said:

Kelleigh, Thank you for being bold and sharing your story. It can be hard to be truly personable, transparent and authentic yet when you are it gives rewards in so many ways. I know for myself when I share things very close to my heart, there is someone else who was just waiting to here what I had to say. May God bless you abundantly for proclaiming His way is best, even in the pain. XOXO

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# 20 January 2012 at 8:25 am